It’s a weird thing to put your life out there on the Internet, to rely solely on your own (sometimes inadequate) writing skills to convey the tone, the meaning, the message behind your days.
Occasionally I’ll ask for feedback from people I know in real life, asking: “Did that post make me sound like an asshole?” “Did this make it sound like I hate Adam?”.
Sometimes I’ll delete an entire post because I’m not sure how it’s coming across, I’m not sure my sarcasm is hitting home with those who don’t know me, (especially when I talk about Adam, our marriage, our lives together).
I have no idea how it sounds to you, but in the interests of protecting my own fragile ego I need to present these pictures that I stumbled across earlier today.
This series of pictures from our wedding perfectly sum up our dynamic.
I didn’t want to do the cake-face-smushing, I thought it was tacky. We talked and argued and finally compromised, Adam said he would just feed it to me nicely. I knew that was impossible, but I agreed.
This, these pictures, this is our relationship. Adam’s Machiavellian mischievousness, my futile attempts at control, his playful acts to undermine that control and pull me over to the dark side, and through it all a strong undercurrent of adoration and respect and, yes, love.
I don’t know if my teasing seems affectionate, or if it comes across rude. When I sass him and write an entire post mocking the way he eats or cleans (or doesn’t clean), I don’t know how you interpret it, and that worries me sometimes.
This post hasn’t come up in response to anything in particular, no one has said anything, Adam hasn’t objected to anything, I just, I felt like I needed to have this known, it’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while.
As every celebrity in the world announces their divorce, and with the full knowledge that I am so far from celebrity it’s laughable, I still felt the need to affirm for you, you strangers who read this and haven’t had the pleasure (misfortune?) of seeing us together, I felt it important to reaffirm that I mock because I love.
And I do love. Indubitably.
(All photos by the indomitable Brent Calis Photography)