Internet, I have stopped shampooing my hair.
You: Eww, why?! Wait – didn’t you already do that?
Well yes. Sort of. About five or six years ago I stopped using store-bought shampoo and conditioner and started making my own. But now I’m just…not using anything. Well, I’m using water, I guess. The magical cleansing properties of water.
The impetus behind this new hippie madness is an interview I had last week, where the reporter was doing a story on going shampoo free. (Me: “Mom! I’m going to be in the paper!”, My mom: “Why?” Me: “Because I haven’t used shampoo in five years!” My mom: “Oh, I am so proud of you, mouse!”)
The reporter was a lovely lady who kindly sat down and heard me out about my lovely baking soda/ACV routine, and didn’t bat an eyelash when, in response to her asking whether or not ACV made my hair smell, I leaned forward and invited her to see for herself.
This is my life, I invite esteemed journalists into my home and then make them sniff my hair.
ANYWAY! One of the other women she was speaking to was a true no-pooer. One of those totally shampoo-free, no baking soda no ACV no NOTHING types. The reporter too, was trying this out in order to more accurately report on it. And she asked me, “Have you ever tried it?”
And I had to admit, I had not. I have always thought about doing it, but guys, I was/am terrified. I have no idea why. I mean if it doesn’t work then I just have shitty hair for a month and go back to my normal routine. Big deal! Nonetheless, I have never taken the plunge. Until now.
This experiment is not, as my brother so rudely suggested, a game of chicken, played hippie style. Nor is it a strange sort of one-upmanship (Oh you don’t wash your hair? Well NEITHER DO I)
It’s just that I am always encouraging people to at least try things. Try making your own shampoo! Try ditching the dryer sheets! Try not buying that awesome thing you want to buy! And here I am, not trying something. Because I am scared to become a gross smelly hippie weirdo.
I am fairly confident that at this point, (day 7? 8? I have no idea) I am indeed, a gross smelly hippie weirdo.
Or at least I feel like one.
My hair doesn’t actually look quite as bad as it did mid-week (let’s call that my rock bottom, mmkay?), but it feels…thick. Like fur. Running my fingers through my hair doesn’t feel soft and sort of slippery like it did before. It’s still soft – maybe even softer? – but it feels…honestly just like fur. i don’t know how else to explain it.
Touching my hair right now is akin to petting a dog. A clean dog. But a dog nonethetless.
God, I am really selling this thing, aren’t I? How about some more pictures? This is the first time I’ve had my hair down all week, it’s been bun-city around here.
Gross. I’m sorry. Don’t you dare judge me, I am doing this for YOU.
I am such a giver. A gross, greasy-headed giver.
Not quite so bad from the back. Right? I mean, borderline clean…ish?
The Internets tells me it can take five weeks (ohhh god) for my hair to sort its self out, at which point I can be a respectable, normal-looking member of society again. Until then I will answer your questions:
Q: Does your hair smell?
A: I…I have no idea. I am not asking anyone to smell it. I am, generally speaking, just slinking around in the background of genteel society trying to avoid people and not make eye contact. I feel disgusting.
Q: How long are you going to keep up with these shenanigans?’
A: Hopefully this mess will just keep getting better and I will discover the holy grail of self-cleaning hair care, but if don’t eventually get that “clean” feeling back, this will not be a sustainable option for me. Even I have my standards. And my dignity. Despite the photographs above.
Q: Are you still showering?
A: Oh my god YES! Guys?! I’m still showering and bathing and using soap and shaving and brushing my teeth, I haven’t completely given up. I’m just….not shampooing. For reasons. Vaguely earth-related? I can’t remember. 94% of my mental capacity is now devoted to calculating how many people are judging me at at given moment. (Currently: 1. Olive can be so cruel.)
Q: What does Adam think about this?
A: You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore so let’s just end this thing here this was a bad idea ugh please seriously look away, LOOK AWAY.
edited to add front shots because why the hell not, and a palate cleanser at the end:
Olive looked at this picture and said “Oooh, ANGRY!”