Today I tried to drive to a grocery store three times, and not ONCE of those times did I actually make it there.
I have tried to blame the city’s layout, too much traffic, and my iPhone’s map function too, but I think it is becoming readily apparent that I lack both an internal compass and the most basic spatial reasoning skills.
I pull up a map on my trusty ole iPhone 4, memorize the directions by muttering them several times under my breath (like a boss) and then I bravely head out into the world like the pioneers of yore. I navigate turns and I merge, I make connections and exit off-ramps and then at a crucial moment in the middle of my muttered directions, I spot a highway sign.
What does that say?
I squint, trying to make it out, wondering if it’s my turn.
Is that my turn?
Shit, it is.
That’s my turn!
I can’t get over!
There it is! Ahhhh let me in, let me in!
WHY WON’T YOU LET ME IN THAT’S MY TURNNNN
[expletive deleted] I missed it!
…There it was.
That was my turn.
That was my turn!
Shit! Shitty shit shit!
I’ll tell you now what. Now I have to pull over, pull up my map again and redo my route. More memorizing, more muttered directions. Then in pulling back onto the main road I turn the WRONG WAY on the highway. My phone gives me helpful directions like “Make a u-turn on Highway 16”. Oh, you mean this highway? The six lane highway divided by a cement meridian? Fabulous! Here I go!
More pulling over, more iphoning. More muttering.
These shenanigans went on for an embarrassingly long time, in three separate occasions today. It was utterly humiliating and at the end of it, when I went to go pick Adam up at work I threw the keys at him and wailed “YOU drive!”. I was honestly just so frustrated with myself.
I feel that the ability to know where you are in relation to a different location, and make a reasonably successful attempt to get there is sort of a basic life skill. One that I am sorely lacking.
Clearly it’s been easy to ignore this over the past ten years as we have lived in two different small towns with literally one or two main streets. I mean, I’m not going to say I never got lost there (I told you, it’s bad) but at least I had the mountains or the ocean to orient myself. No such luck this time.
As we drove home, Adam patiently explained the various routes and cross streets, where the city centre was in relation to us. As we kept driving, every so often he’d ask me to orient myself by pointing to a location, like “Where do Liam and Kate live?” or “Where’s my work?” and every time, even when he asked which was was North, every time I got it wrong!
So basically I just have no clue where I am, anywhere, ever. If you kidnapped me I wouldn’t even need to be blindfolded, in fact having me describe where I thought I was would probably even buy you some time.
Anyway. Typically Olive and I walk to the grocery store because it’s a nice little outing and when I have the time I generally prefer to do a few small shops during the week rather than one large one. It means our produce is fresher, we’re only buying what we need and I can carry everything in a stroller rather than needing a car. But this time we were going to a specific grocery store to buy supplies to strip Olive’s cloth diapers which have become horrifically stinky over the last few weeks. I think they are overdue to be stripped, but the hard water here isn’t helping either, and in fact it’s throwing a wrench into virtually all of my hippie regimes.
Guys, my shampoo and conditioner is not what it was. Hard water is a bitch! Instead of feeling light, fluffy and bouncy after my baking soda/ACV treatment, it feels heavy and sort of…grimy. I am not exaggerating when I say that I’m heartbroken over this.
There is simply no way that I can abandon it – not now, not five years of loving it, and especially when so many of you have finally tried it and let me know how much you loved it, too! So I am scouring The Internets for a solution, but in the meantime as I trial and error and error and error, my hair is abominable. There are lots of mom buns going on over here. The moment I find a solution I will share it with you, promise! I mean at least now I know why none of my Alberta friends have taken on the no-poo challenge. I don’t blame you, guys! I promise, that this is NOT what it’s supposed to feel like.
My skin, too, is suffering the effects of the move. I wash my hands a ton during the day because I’m doing so many diaper changes and meal/snack preparations for those three adorable blonde toddlers, and my hands actually started bleeding around my cuticles last week because they were so very dry. Coconut oil has been my go to moisturizer for years – a quick massage session after a shower and I’d be set!- but this desert dryness calls for something richer. I am testing a cocoa butter/jojoba oil mix, and I will keep you posted on that, too.
In other news, today Olive asked for a piece of toilet paper so I gave her a piece of toilet paper. Then she threw it in the toilet. Then the indicated that she wanted me to flush the toilet. “Do you want me to flush the toilet?” I asked. “Yes!” she nodded. So I flushed it. Then she opened the lid, saw that the scrap of toilet paper was gone – GONE!- and lost. her. mind.
Is this real life? Was I really like this at one point? Is she actually a demon?I have compiled a helpful diagram of toddler rationale to help those who might not have the good fortune of encountering it’s affront to reason on a daily basis:
Essentially, toddlers want two entirely different and mutually exclusive realities to occur simultaneously (eg. flushing the toilet paper, and the toilet paper still being in the toilet). The fact that they can’t, (or, in their eyes, we won’t LET them) achieve these two entirely incompatible states of being, enrages them.
The fact that I drew a diagram doesn’t make the tantrums any better – in fact it may make them worse because it took me an embarrassingly long time to do that there drawring and damn it’s midnight already I was supposed to go to bed early tonight for real this time!
In my third and final tangent, Adam spent well over an hour on the custom portrait which I raffled off without his knowledge or consent way back in January (what? JANUARY? god, that’s embarassing.). He let me see the half-finished product and guys, I am seriously impressed!
Legitimately surprised at how much his talents have improved. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing, but here is a sneak peak at Fee’s lovely right eye:
Adam – who knew?!