Browsing Tag
nail clipping
- Try and forget that time at Christmas when you accidentally clipped the tip of her finger and she wailed, and your heart shattered into a million pieces and you were awarded “Worst Mother of the Year” and haven’t attempted a nail-cutting since, try and forget all of that, okay? This is a NEW DAY!
- Oh my god but seriously, the wailing, and the blood, and the tiny tiny tiny but still visible scar that she will carry with her for the rest of her life, I mean… Okay…MOVING ON.
- Get yourself an infant. Preferably a happy one.
- Get yourself some nail clippers. Preferably tiny.
- Sit the infant on your lap and grasp one of her pudgy hands.
- Stare at said hands.
- Weep silently.
- Whisper “I can do this. I. Can. Do. This.”
- Bring the nail clippers to one teensy fingernail, realize that your hands are shaking.
- Down a shot of whisky.
- Deny day-drinking when husband asks.
- Return to infant, nail clippers.
- Go for the middle finger first, it’s the largest.
- Successfully clip one nail, watch the paper-thin half moon fall onto your knee and note with incredulity the lack of blood, screaming.
- Silently cheer “I DID IT!”
- Confidence buoyed move to pointer finger. The infant jerks her hand, the clippers startle back, your breath catches in your throat and think with horror “Ohmygod! It almost happened again!”
- Deep breathing exercises for five minutes.
- Realize that trying to cut a baby’s fingernails is some real bullshit.
- Decide that, you know what? Having your infant daughter claw at you like a wildebeest isn’t so bad after all.
- Get clawed like a wildebeest forever and ever. Begin introducing your daughter as Wolverine.
- Wolverine wins Guinness Book of World Records for longest nails at age 3.
- Celebratory shots of whisky all around.
