Last night was hilarious. I keep having to remind myself that Halloween proper hasn’t happened yet – the big kids have had their party and now it’s time for the REAL kids. I guess I should get some Halloween candy or something?
As for these big kids, after much procrastinating and dillydallying, at 5:00pm yesterday I decided that Halloween was happening and we were going out that night and we were going to have fun dammit!
I started racing around to the second hand stores in our town looking for something quick and cheap to put together. Maybe it was because of the Zach Galifianakis kick I’ve been on lately but when I saw a baby carrier I knew Adam had to go as the one-man wolf pack from The Hangover.
I managed to find a cabbage patch doll, onesie and baby toque and a friend lent Adam some white jeans (OH MY GOD the tightest jeans I’ve ever seen on Adam in my entire life, it was awesome I never had to ask him if he had his keys or his phone because I could see them. IN HIS PANTS).
As for me, I happened across a delightful black wig with bangs and volume and curls and oooh la la! I had to have it, so I began brainstorming what I could possibly dress up as that would necessitate the wearing of a luxe black wig. Unfortunately my brain was fried and shops were closing in five minutes so I decided on the old standby – a witch.
I used my dress from the glamour photos, bought some tights, painted my nails and applied false eyelashes – a $1.99 hat later and *cue witchy cackle* I was ready to wreak havoc.
Adam got a little…attached to the wig. I’m not going to lie to you, it got weird. He may have drunkenly cried when I took it off at the end of the night. But hey! Just another topic for when we eventually end up in marital therapy! (man are we going to get our moneys worth because this list is getting LONG.)
We met up with some friends (one dressed in an amazing Poison Ivy costume) and early at some point during the evening Adam popped out to the liquor store for provisions.
Apparently on the way there someone saw him walking and obviously didn’t get the movie reference, “Oh man! Great costume!” he said enthusiastically, “Nothing’s scarier than a dude with a baby!”
Adam was caught off guard (I like to imagine that his brain exploded with the possibility that someone with a penis has NOT seen The Hangover) and as he struggled to regain his sense of time and space and his particular place in the universe, the guy continued, “Ooh and look, it’s like the baby’s high fiving!”
Aaaaand so for the rest of the night, if anyone asked what Adam was, the answer invariably came, “Man with high-fiving baby”.
Costumes I wish I had thought of:
BLACK SWAN! Oh my god! Why?! I would have LOVED to be Black Swan! I saw it done twice, and both times it was poorly executed, I would have ROCKED the shit out of that costume (if the component parts were available to be purchased at 5:00pm that evening, that is)
EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: A girl at the bar had this costume, she looked absolutely amazing. She had applied scars to her face and everything! I think I freaked her out a little because there was a costume contest and she didn’t win (I KNOW) but first of all, before we get to that particular injustice, there’s this one: a man dressed up as a Mexican, in a costume bought IN A BAG from WalMart was also one of the runner-ups.
Hey buddy, you can’t buy your costume in a BAG from WalMart for $19.99 and win a costume contest. How do I know it was from WalMart? Because during my panicked hunt for costumes I remember taking three precious minutes to stand in front of the costume display ranting about “how could a multinational corporation possibly be selling this schlock?!” and “Being Mexican is a culture, a nationality, an ethnicity – NOT A COSTUME FOR FUCK SAKES!”
Then, (oh dear, this tangent is growing) I happened across these posters and thought it was fabulous that this was finally being addressed.
(Image via Resistance to Racist Halloween Costumes, on Sociological Images)
I don’t have a problem with girls dressing up in slutty costumes, I’m not really into slut-shaming, I DO however have a problem with the fact that these seem to be the only costumes commercially available for women (and I also have a huge problem when these same slutty costumes are being offered in sizes for a FIVE YEAR OLD, but that’s another post altogether.)
Anyway, a girl dressed up as something completely unremarkable won the contest and so I approached Ms. Scissorhands and effusively told her that, in my humble opinion, SHE should have won, how her costume was fabulous, could I maybe take a picture of her? Did she want to go for coffee and become my new best friend but only if she kept wearing the Scossorhands costume? Is that weird? Hahaha I was kidding! Totally joking! Oh god there are such weirdos out at Halloween hey? But seriously if you wanted to wear it again that would be cool, and- hey! Maybe dinner instead of coffee? I’ll feed you because it’ll probably be hard to eat with those adorable scissorhands, I’ll pick you up at say 7 o’clock tomorrow?
It was weird guys, she didn’t even answer me, she just looked sort of scared- SO good at staying in character, right?!
But for serious. Nothing compares to my love of Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands (no Gosling, not even you. Wait Ryan, RYAN! Stick around..Johnny’s married! You still have a chance buddy!)
And, to cap things off, of course you knew this was going to happen.
Doesn’t he look good in aviators? I wish he could wear them all the time. It’s also good to know that when Adam and I eventually have a real baby, Gus can finally start pulling his weight by carrying it- babies seem like they’re pretty heavy and lord KNOWS I don’t have the upper arm strength for that business.
Gus’ ACTUAL costume will be revealed tomorrow when we dress him up to lessen the effect of a 170lb dog barking panickedly at the sight of pint-sized ghouls and goblins on our doorstep.