amazon

I wrote a whole post in my head while showering, and I think it was even funny because I recall rinsing the vinegar out of my hair while chuckling to myself, “Good one, Madeleine!”

Then I made the mistake of futzing around with a coconut oil massage and getting myself a snack of apples and brie before sitting down to write and now I am sitting here tapping my fingertips and wondering what in the hell I was planning to write about.

I think that just about sums up my life right there: A sublime mix of congratulatory self-talk, coconut oil, brie, memory loss, and self-loathing.

It smells like patchouli.

Anyway, I’ll just start rambling and see where it takes me.

FIRST of all, a not-so-humble humblebrag: If you check Amazon.com right this second because the lists are recalculated on an hourly basis my little book is #24 on the Green Housecleaning bestseller list! Say whaaaaat?!

I screen-captured it because I thought it was so cool, and this is sort of the 21st-century equivalent of framing your first paycheque (if your paycheque was re-calculated hourly and then probably taken away from you the next day, that is).

It also lists my book on the top right hand section of the page, under a heading that I feel compelled to point out in case you didn’t already notice, which reads “Hot New Releases”.

Hot. New. Releases.

You guys, I have been feeling kind of old and busted since I turned thirty, but now Amazon.com has given me indisputable proof that I am neither old NOR busted, and indeed I am in fact the opposite – hot and new! I am going to sleep a little bit easier tonight. After I finish the rest of this wheel of brie, I mean.

In all seriousness, although I am being honest when I say that really this doesn’t mean anything because here is the page where Amazon explains how they come up with these ranks and lists and it basically comes down to secret wizardry, I am also being honest when I say that this is one of the coolest things ever. It means that some people, perhaps even some people other than my immediate family (because I know my mom has bought at least eight copies), have pre-ordered books. Perhaps even some of you! And the fact that you would support my writing, and my hippie endeavours, not to mention spending five minutes filling out shipping, billing, and credit card information for something you won’t even see for another two months, I mean – thank you. I may be hot and new, but you are FABULOUS.

Also, you’re weird. All of you collectively. Because another thing I have started noticing lately are the search terms bringing people to this blog. Most of them are pretty self-explanatory like “Sweet Madeline” or “infant sleep lies” or “characteristics of a sex attic” but then there are these:

• I baked Madeline, they got cracked, why?  This confused me greatly until I realised that someone was baking madeleines, and the tops must have been cracking, which I feel oddly sad and guilty about. I know how it feels to fail at baked goods, and as this baked good’s namesake I feel like I should apologize. I’m sorry! Maybe try cookies next time?

• sweet madeleine anti-social  Three people searched this. THREE. Sigh. I just… yes. It’s true. I am. Were you looking for more information? Or a reason? Or a cure? I mean, let me know what you come up with. Insights welcome.

• hal johnson and joanne mcleod costumes Probably referencing this post. I am 100% sure that my blog is not what this person was looking for, but also 100% sure that my blog coming up as a result for hal johnson and joanne mcleod is the best thing ever and totally makes up for cracked-top madeleines. (Right?). I am even more mad now that Adam didn’t agree to go through with it

• c-section = a+ | pregnancy & post pregnancy operating room tired, crying  Oh. Ohhh, honey. This makes me want to cry, too. You’ll be OK! Look at your fancy google search skills! C-sections seem horrible at first with the giant disposable underwear and your guts feeling like they are going to fall out at any moment but it gets better, I promise. Pinky swear.

• are Madeleine cannot still together I don’t know what this means, but now I am intrigued. ARE Madeleine cannot still together? You tell me. Please?

• sweet madeleine hermit  Ughhhhhhh. Not true. Not true at all. I leave the house all the time sometimes occasionally never okay? NEVER unless I have to. What.

• ion my bsby ultrasound i saw a pic inside of it looks like a demon  I’m sorry, I am laughing. And the only reason I am laughing is because this search term seems like it was typed in a crazy pregnant panic, with added letters and omitted letters and you can almost hear the hormones! It looks like a demon! I feel OK laughing about this because I never showed you the very last ultrasound we ever had of Olive, and that’s because it looked like this:Seriously what THE WHAT. I had nightmares about this ultrasound, so helpfully labelled FACE. So I can sympathize, anonymous googler. Don’t worry your baby is not a demon (probably). Ultrasound pictures are just creepy as heck and don’t even get me started on the 3D ones.
• my 3 month old amazes me I’m not crying! You’re crying!

• is there a breed of dog called english muffin? No. But there should be.

• cul guys long hairs I translated this to “Cool guys with long hair” which means ADAM! You’re cool! And people like your long hair!

So there we are. I still haven’t remembered what I was going to write about, I had a brief excited glee-filled moment courtesy of secret Amazon algorithms, and you guys are strange and probably will never find what you’re looking for if you keep ending up here looking at my long-haired husband.

Happy Thursday?