So Much, by Clare Elsaesser on Etsy
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
Five years ago, I would have given absolutely anything to see myself today.
November 20, 2014, was the day I discovered that there was a lot about my marriage, and my husband, that I didn’t know. It was the day that the life I thought I was living suddenly slipped between my fingertips and disappeared.
It was all hard, at first. The brutality of it. The shame of it. The white-hot incandescent rage of being treated as disposable. The tawdriness of the whole thing. The sudden plunge into single parenting. So much of it was hard, but the divorce? Oh god.
Louis CK is problematic in many ways, but he had it right when he said that divorce is always good news.
I have to say, I have cruised into these last few weeks of school an absolutely bedraggled, exhausted mess.
Back in September, I posted a cute picture to Instagram of Olive’s little stainless steel lunchbox, tidily packed with mini croissant sandwiches and neatly cut fruit and veggies. My ex-brother-in-law, Chuck, father of four, commented wryly, “Remember this post and show us a picture of the lunch you pack on the Friday before the end of school”.
Well, Chuck, I would like to tell you that here we are, the last Friday before the end of school and oh my god I would never share the lunches I’ve been packing lately. NEVER.
Ten days ago, I had botox injected into 31 spots in my temples, scalp, neck, and shoulders in the hopes that it would do something to help the chronic migraines I’ve been getting for the past few years. It’s kind of terrifying to be at the point where I’m voluntarily paralyzing some of my neck and shoulder muscles just to be able to live my life, but at this point I’m desperate. I’ve tried yoga and meditation and medication and massage and vitamins and basically everything else, and here we are.
IdentityChrist by Joey Unlee
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Excerpted from her poem, The Summer Day
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to have a good life. This topic might seem calming and contemplative but it actually stems from a deep sense of grief over the fact that I’ve started to think that we are, collectively, doomed.
Ha! Happy Monday, folks.
Tonight I’m lying here beside sleeping Olive, who wheedled her way into my bed, and I’m thinking about the past three years.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how far I’ve come – how far WE’VE come.