How to design your home to support self-reliance

I remember reading a great quote many years ago that said you shouldn’t do anything for your children that they were capable of doing for themselves. I loved it, and kept it in mind for when I had my own kids. I’d be the mom whose kids were doing their laundry by age five! Fantastic.

But of course, as is always the case, people without kids make the best parents. When I actually had my own child, things suddenly looked a whole lot different. I found myself dealing with an actual human being, with her own desires and opinions, not the pleasantly compliant child of my imaginings.

I still believe in the message of that quote wholeheartedly (despite the sometimes-problematic nature of parenting “should’s ) but godDAMN is it easier said than done. Beyond lots (and lots) of reminders, there have been a few things I’ve found really help Olive become independent and  self-reliant, and a lot of it has to do with how our home is set up.

I thought I’d take pictures of a few of these things, for future reference and in case any of you are also struggling to get their kids to do things for themselves. In return, can you please tell me how to get her to get dressed and out the door at more than a snail’s pace? K thx byeee.

 

Coats/Boots

If you want to stop having to pick your kids coats and boots up from where they’ve been liberally scattered across the front hall floor, it helps to have storage options accessible to them. I attached a little coat rack (given to me by a lovely friend -hi, Kayla!) to the inside of our hall closet. It’s at Olive’s height so she can hang up her own coat, and put her boots away in the bottom of the closet.

 

 

Laundry

One of Olive’s jobs around the house is to put her own laundry away – this is something she’s been doing since she was around 2. When we started doing this, I put these little stickers on her dresser to help her remember where everything went. The pictures really helped her figure everything out, and although she doesn’t really need them anymore, it’s also helpful when babysitters or family members are here and need to know where things are.
(dresser tutorial here and stickers bought here)

The one thing you need to be aware of when having kids put away their own laundry is that it’s not going to be neatly folded. I used to fold Olive’s laundry as I took it off the drying rack, but I don’t bother anymore because by the time she puts it away or rummages for a specific item, her drawers usually look like this:

It used to drive me insane but I’ve long since let that shit go. I mean…who cares? I think having her learn to take responsibility for her things is far more important than a neatly organized dresser drawer.

Dishes

Similarly, Olive is responsible for putting her own dishes away, setting her place at the table, and clearing her dishes at the end of our meals. I make this possible with lots of reminding and also by having a low shelf in our kitchen just for her dishes.

Olive received two sets of Bunnykins dishes as gifts when she was little, and although many people keep them as collector’s items, I’ve always just used them for her daily meals. She loves them and in four years we’ve only broken one mug (which I glued back together and now use to hold her baby spoons, bamboo utensils etc)

 

Toys

Olive’s toys are her responsibility to clean up, so it’s important that there’s a place for everything, it’s easy to see where things go, and she can easily access everything.

Our living room is set up with a few homes for her toys, puzzles, books and games. She knows where things go and there’s enough room for everything to be put away at the end of the day (this is really important because if you have more stuff than space to store it, it’s virtually impossible to have a tidy home. This goes for us adults, too.)

 

The basket on the left holds her lego, games go on the left side of the bookshelf, another basket for toys, the white bin holds her Tegu blocks, and the pink/white box holds her stacking cups.

Olive’s kitchen toys, food, and dishes get put away inside the curtained storage area in the kitchen itself  (play kitchen tutorial here ), our books and the week’s library books live in the book basket, and puzzles and tea sets go on the bookshelf.

 

Cleaning Up 

If Olive makes a mess, she knows that it’s her responsibility to clean it up (within reason, obviously). I keep cleaning suppies under the kitchen sink and if she spills something she can go grab a rag or her little whisk and dustpan to sweep things up.

 

 

As a final note, let me be clear that we are far from mission accomplished on this stuff and it’s taken a lot of persistence to get to where we are – although it has gotten far easier in the last few months.

Sometimes it takes a lot of reminding, most of the time asking her once is enough and some things (like clearing her plate, or putting her laundry away) have become second nature to her and she does it without being asked.

As the years go by she’ll take on more and more responsibility around the house and one day my house won’t always look like a bomb went off during daylight hours, and then eventually she’ll move out and I’ll cry every day and find myself wishing mightily for the chaos back, feeling both proud and heartbroken that she’s able to exist so well independently from me.

That’s the way it goes, right?