Family, Humour, The Anarchy

Hell Is A Group Text

I have five siblings. We are all congregating at our cottage in Bobcaygeon, Ontario on Saturday. The past six weeks has been a haze of “Reply All” emails trying to coordinate arrival times, cars, meals, and sleeping arrangements. A week ago the emails escalated into the only thing my brother hates more than Apple products…the Group Text. Behold, this morning’s exchange – begun after Hilary sent out a meal schedule.

Somerville Group Text, Act 1, Scene 1
[Hilly sends out a meal plan to all parties]

Me: Looks good. Let’s just deal with this shit when we get there.
My mom:  Shut it, Liam
Me: Let’s just bring all 17 of us to the grocery store and haggle in the aisles. Let’s go in twelve different directions and argue over milk. Let’s ask the cashier to split the bill for us.
Claire: That. is a fantastic idea. it’ll be just like old times!
My mom: Let’s buy duplicates of things.  And things we don’t need.  In inappropriate sizes
Lizzie: I think Liam would support that idea the most Maddie. Seems efficient.
My mom: All pink.
Me:  8L tubs of mayo!
My mom: FAMILY!!!
Liam: You’re all assholes.
My mom: But we’re YOUR assholes
Me: Ew.
Lizzie: Liam for your next birthday I’m going to start a 30 person group text…wooot
Claire: i’m just so happy to be chatting live with y’all, IT’S ALMOST LIKE WE’RE THERE
Me: We’ll caffeinate Olive and let her loose in the candy aisle. Play rock paper scissors to determine who gets to haul her screaming, twitching body to the car.
My mom: You forgot naked.
Me: Right. Naked
Lizzie: She cried hysterically the other day bc Eric [Lizzie’s fiance] didn’t want to play with her unless she put underwear on
Liam: Just like her mother.
My mom: Or her aunt lizzie
Lizzie: Dannnnnnng
Me: I am blogging this.

(If you’re wondering where Hilary and Mawney, the youngest sisters, are during this conversation, they have learned over the years that their opinion are largely irrelevant, and will inevitably just add to the chaos and be ignored. Hilary is often MIA completely, whereas Mawney stays out of it and says infuriating things like “It doesn’t matter” and “Whatever you want!” while the rest of us scrap amongst ourselves until a decision is made. Well played, young Somervilles. Well played.)

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  • Reply Sarah M. August 26, 2015 at 1:14 PM

    I am the Liam of my family. I hate group texts. My BIL just showed me that you can turn off the notifications in group texts so you don’t have to hear/read/acknowledge them. I hope Liam is reading this. It changed my life.

    • Reply sweetmadeleine August 26, 2015 at 3:06 PM

      He usually just leaves the chat altogether.

  • Reply Christine Featherstone August 27, 2015 at 4:43 AM

    I wish that I could be there to observe the chaos, with all of you as adults. I sure remember it when you were kids … and naked … you, not me. Love to your remarkable Mum and your handsome Grand Dad.
    Christine F. (I think I still qualify as Liam’s inactive Godfather’s ex)

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