So, it turns out they weren’t kidding. Divorce is incredibly stressful.
I think I have dealt with things fairly well. I have a really strong network of friends and family, it’s been really helpful having my sister so close to me to help with Olive, or give me a hug if I’m having a particularly rough day. I have seen counselors and talked through things and made really positive steps toward working through everything.
Despite all of that, a divorce is still a divorce. It is messy and unpleasant, and necessarily involves some level of conflict when two people who are hurt and wounded try to come together to sort out logistics. Often times there’s not a whole lot of trust left, so things just feel…confrontational. And I really don’t do well with confrontation.
And although I have felt like I am managing the stress well, my body has started telling a different story, and it has been telling it more and more loudly as times goes on.
Stress has been accumulating in my neck and my shoulders and, especially, my kidneys. One of the biggest triggers for my kidney condition is stress. In some ways, things have been getting easier and easier as the months have passed, it hurts less and less, but there are a also lot of unknowns right now and a ton of uncertainty. I don’t know what my life will look like. I don’t know how this will all pan out and these worries that keep me up at night also cause my kidneys to flush magnesium and potassium and then I find myself in this cycle of emergency room visits and migraines- handfuls of pills trying to get on track again.
I am starting to get back on an even keel and I felt really good this weekend. We hosted my brother and his wife and their adorable baby, Ada, we celebrated two birthdays, and I completed a surprise renovation project for Lizzie. I had a nice coffee date and relaxed saunter in the sunshine, and I am really hoping to be able to stay on top of things and keep this feeling for more than a few days.
Tomorrow, Olive and I head to BC to visit her Nana, and her Grandma and Grandpa. I am really looking forward to being able to sneak in some sleeping in, a few kayak paddles and some quality time with the ocean. I’ve really missed it.
Hopefully then the words will come a bit easier, too. Thank you for waiting.
10 Comments
your rest is important!! we all can wait!
You got this Madeleine! We’re all rooting for you. I just found out my ex has started dating again and it feels…weird. Like I don’t want to be with him anymore, but it feels weird to think about it. Just when I thought I was totally over it, I keep getting pulled right back in. When someone is part of your life for so long, it’s natural to take some time getting totally back on your feet.
I’ve started following your blog and so appreciate your honest words. I hope you can be your biggest ally… Give yourself a big hug in those stressful moments, forgive yourself for feeling what you’re feeling, and slowly the healing will come. You’re not alone in this journey!
Your words are worth waiting for! There is nothing better than the ocean air – take some big breaths.
Did you make the mobile in the photo? It’s beautiful! Was this the surprise for Olive? Would you share how you made it?
It’s a tough gig sometimes.
I always look forward to reading your new posts! I hope that things will get easier and better for you and for Olive. Wishing you a happy, relaxing, and stressfree (but seriously, how stressfree can life be with a busy two year old?!) visit to BC. You deserve it! We will be there (in BC) in two weeks!
I’d love to hear your thoughts about stress & illness and how you present it to O. I am terribly afraid of having my kids think of me as weak or vulnerable or sick. I don’t ever want them to keep things from me because they think I can’t handle it or they don’t want to stress me out. I am really struggling with this. Would love to hear your thoughts if you have similar fears.
Oof mama, I so appreciate this post. I’m currently stewing over a difficult interaction with my sweet daughter’s dad. I’m a little newer to this process and while it has overall been very amicable there are times that I’m just left so frustrated and heartbroken. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing the hard stuff too. Sending love and healing thoughts your way.
Surfed here from your mom sleeping posts. Just like baby sleep, this time in your life is unpredictable. Go with the flow and do what you need to do to soothe yourself. Don’t worry about the shoulds or the might bes — there’s just what is right now.
Take good care.