So, it turns out they weren’t kidding. Divorce is incredibly stressful.
I think I have dealt with things fairly well. I have a really strong network of friends and family, it’s been really helpful having my sister so close to me to help with Olive, or give me a hug if I’m having a particularly rough day. I have seen counselors and talked through things and made really positive steps toward working through everything.
Despite all of that, a divorce is still a divorce. It is messy and unpleasant, and necessarily involves some level of conflict when two people who are hurt and wounded try to come together to sort out logistics. Often times there’s not a whole lot of trust left, so things just feel…confrontational. And I really don’t do well with confrontation.
And although I have felt like I am managing the stress well, my body has started telling a different story, and it has been telling it more and more loudly as times goes on.
Stress has been accumulating in my neck and my shoulders and, especially, my kidneys. One of the biggest triggers for my kidney condition is stress. In some ways, things have been getting easier and easier as the months have passed, it hurts less and less, but there are a also lot of unknowns right now and a ton of uncertainty. I don’t know what my life will look like. I don’t know how this will all pan out and these worries that keep me up at night also cause my kidneys to flush magnesium and potassium and then I find myself in this cycle of emergency room visits and migraines- handfuls of pills trying to get on track again.
I am starting to get back on an even keel and I felt really good this weekend. We hosted my brother and his wife and their adorable baby, Ada, we celebrated two birthdays, and I completed a surprise renovation project for Lizzie. I had a nice coffee date and relaxed saunter in the sunshine, and I am really hoping to be able to stay on top of things and keep this feeling for more than a few days.
Tomorrow, Olive and I head to BC to visit her Nana, and her Grandma and Grandpa. I am really looking forward to being able to sneak in some sleeping in, a few kayak paddles and some quality time with the ocean. I’ve really missed it.
Hopefully then the words will come a bit easier, too. Thank you for waiting.