Come back slowwwww…

Remember how a few weeks ago I was all, “Ohhh, I’m in Mexico! In Mexico I do yoga every morning!” and 80-90% of you were probably like, “Oh, shut the hell up, Madeleine“.

Remember that?

Well, not only did that turn out to be a LIE, because I did it the first few mornings and then realized that getting up to do yoga while on vacation was for chumps, but also because my yoga class in Mexico was unlike any yoga class I have ever done, ever.

The teacher’s name was Alexis. He was a lovely boy.( Man? Boy. It was hard to tell. Guy? Let’s go with guy) He was a lovely guy. But…I’m not sure if he knew what yoga was? The brochure promised “streatching” and streatch we did.

This is a real-time re-enactment of part of our yoga class, featuring my newlywed friend, Celene.

Alexis: Okay now, stand with your feet apart. Streatch bodyyy…. hands on hips…. and turn head to the left.

Celene and I: *obediently turn our heads to the left*

[three minutes elapse]

Alexis: Okay. Deep breath…come back slow….relax body….turn head to the right.

Celene and I: Turn our heads to the right.

[three-and-a-half-minutes elapse]

Alexis: Now go on your stomach…put your face down ..relax bodyyyyy.

Celene and I: *lie facedown on our yoga mats. I fall asleep and begin to drool*

[eight minutes elapse]

Alexis: Streatch body…come back slow….roll over and go onto your shoulders and toes in the air.

Celene and I: *Begin the pose flawlessly until Celene realizes her mat is set up on a small incline and begins to tumble gently down the hill. I try to remain vertical because I am not an AMATEUR, CELENE.  (Although a few minutes later, I may or may not have slipped on a puddle of the previously mentioned drool. Ahem.)*

 

It was grueling, obviously. And it has ruined me. I haven’t found a new studio in Calgary yet because I was planning to continue with online classes offered by my studio in Edmonton, but now I’m starting to think that any yoga class that doesn’t include lying face down for ten minutes as one of its poses is bullshit.

Thanks for nothing, Alexis.