1. Try and forget that time at Christmas when you accidentally clipped the tip of her finger and she wailed, and your heart shattered into a million pieces and you were awarded “Worst Mother of the Year” and haven’t attempted a nail-cutting since, try and forget all of that, okay? This is a NEW DAY!
2. Oh my god but seriously, the wailing, and the blood, and the tiny tiny tiny but still visible scar that she will carry with her for the rest of her life, I mean… Okay…MOVING ON.
3. Get yourself an infant. Preferably a happy one.
4. Get yourself some nail clippers. Preferably tiny.
5. Sit the infant on your lap and grasp one of her pudgy hands.
6. Stare at said hands.
7. Weep silently.
8. Whisper “I can do this. I. Can. Do. This.”
9. Bring the nail clippers to one teensy fingernail, realize that your hands are shaking.
10. Down a shot of whisky.
11. Deny day-drinking when husband asks.
12. Return to infant, nail clippers.
13. Go for the middle finger first, it’s the largest.
14. Successfully clip one nail, watch the paper-thin half moon fall onto your knee and note with incredulity the lack of blood, screaming.
15. Silently cheer “I DID IT!”
16. Confidence buoyed move to pointer finger. The infant jerks her hand, the clippers startle back, your breath catches in your throat and think with horror “Ohmygod! It almost happened again!”
17. Deep breathing exercises for five minutes.
18. Realize that trying to cut a baby’s fingernails is some real bullshit.
19. Decide that, you know what? Having your infant daughter claw at you like a wildebeest isn’t so bad after all.
20. Get clawed like a wildebeest forever and ever. Begin introducing your daughter as Wolverine.
21. Wolverine wins Guinness Book of World Records for longest nails at age 3.
22. Celebratory shots of whisky all around.