Musings

Flux

So! We moved! We have moved! We are not moving any more! We have stopped, paused temporarily in our travels. 

For years Adam and I have been saving, even though at times there hasn’t been much to save, but nonetheless we have always made it a priority to put money aside- a little here, a little there, and over time these little dribs and drabs have added up to a sizeable chunk. I mean, not that sizeable, but enough for a down payment on a home. And when we thought about moving, we thought we would find a job, and then find a home, and then move. 

But, as we now know, we ended up doing that in precisely the reverse order. There came a point where we couldn’t not move. There wasn’t anything pushing us our of our old town, but there also wasn’t anything keeping us there. We were stuck in a rut, Adam was still working at the store he sold, we were in this sort of holding pattern and for his health and my sanity we just need to break free, bust out, and go. GO. 

So we went. And here we are!

We haven’t found a house we love, and we didn’t want to throw all of those accumulated dribs and drabs at something that was just ok. I mean how do you sink seven years of longing into something that is merely adequate? No. We decided we’d wait. But we still needed to GO.

Adam suggested staying with his parents for a bit. I rolled my eyes. His parents suggested staying with them for a bit, I laughed. And then I started made phone calls and writing emails and trying to find a rental that would let us sign a month to month lease. And then it was the landlords turn to laugh. Month-to-month lease? HA!

No one would offer anything other than a yearlong lease, and well, damn, we didn’t want to sign up for more of a temporary life when we were aching so deeply for permanence. And while I was making these phone calls and writing these emails, Adam was looking at me like I was nuts because I was ignoring our best option.

So I decided to listen to him for once, and here we are in our temporary home with my amazing in-laws, who have opened their doors and cleared our a closet and even designated a bathroom drawer, just for us. And Olive gets unlimited grandparent time and I have two hands to finish this book (oh yeah! The book! Oh my..) and we can take trips to see houses and cross our fingers that something perfect comes up. And guys, for all my resistance, it’s actually kind of awesome.

Olive gets tons of Grandma time, Adam gets to catch up on quality time with his parents that he’s been missing out on, having lived out of province for so many years, and then five hours away, and I have tons of help with Olive and time to write, which was sorely lacking over the last few weeks. I can tell that Adam’s happy, he seems lighter than he has in years. Yesterday he sat on the couch after dinner watching cable (which we haven’t had for six years) and, looking at me, whispered “Let’s never leave!”

We’re starting to stretch our wings in this new place. I found, and signed up for, a baby yoga class this morning. This afternoon Olive and I will go get a library card. And I had so many mixed feelings about this little in-between step, something about saying “We are living with Adam’s parents” seemed like we were going backwards, like we somehow regressed. 

I said to my mom at one point, “It feels like we are failing at adulthood” and she said I was crazy. “You’re not doing this because you lost your job and got evicted and burned so many bridges that you needed to leave town,” she chided, “You’re moving towards a new life, you’re taking a leap. You are choosing this. You could have just as easily chosen to stay where you were, doing what you were doing, for eternity. “

And there it is. The beauty of uncertainty. And truth be told, it’s not very adult like, I don’t think, to take these risks. To take one step before you see the next, trusting instead that you will fall somewhere soft, land somewhere great. But that might be a good thing. We have our entire lives to be solid and grounded and tethered and settled, it’s kind of nice to be light. Unencumbered.

It still doesn’t come easily to me, this risk-taking and leap-making. Adam is in his zone, he sees the horizon bright with possibility, where I am anxiously scanning for storm clouds.

But at the moment, when this is my view, I think I’m going to have to let go a little and see where it takes us.

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