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Adam, I’ve Never Wanted You More (That’s What She Said) (I Did The “That’s What She Said” Joke Just For You)

So this solo parenting gig is just a whole other world. Oh god Olive just puked all over herself one sec…okay here, like I was saying, doing this without Adam is going well it’s just that shit! Sorry, Gus keeps blasting past Olive in her Jolly Jumper and spinning her like a top, she doesn’t seem to mind but we’re trying to get him to be aware that she’s a real…shit..more puke hold on…

Alright hi, hello. Where were we.?Oh yeah, I’m fine, totally doing fine here on day 3, ha! Of course I showered! I showered last night after it took 3 hrs to put Olive to bed, including the fifteen minutes where she just lay her head on my shoulder and licked me, and I let her because, fuck, it made her happy for  fifteen minutes so, cool. 

Today we- okay sweetpea I’m coming- there was – OKAY one second! 

Wow. This shit is for REAL.

I’m back. And you know what else is back? -GUS! NO!- okay sorry, thrush! Olive has thrush again. excuse me for a second (MOTHERFUCK). The thrush means more gas, and also that nursing now looks like this: Latch, Nurse for a few minutes, cry, unlatch. Relatch, nurse for a few minutes, cry, unlatch, fart, relatch, Nurse for a few minutes, chomp my nipple, cry, unlatch. (HELP. ME.)

And she has a stuffy nose so she keeps waking herself up because she closes her mouth and can’t breathe. Just wait a minute I need to let Gus out he has diarrhea again so just…

Hi! Alright hi. Today we drove. Lots of driving. Just, like, hours of driving. And pulling over every fifteen minutes to check that Olive was sleeping/still sleeping/oh god you’re awake drive DRIVE!

And I bought a snot sucker? Don’t google it unless you have kids. I don’t even…I mean. God,

Shots tomorrow. The holy trinity: Thrush, stuffy nose and vaccinations. I think it’ll be- oh my god I’m out of diapers. Do we have tea towels..or…?

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