Zzzz

”Oh hey, guys! Just me, Madeleine, being ridiculous! Please squint and pretend you don’t see the mountain of laundry behind me! Lalalalala!” (Olive sees it, and she’s all ‘Mmmm hmmmm’)

First a caveat: This is shit that only a first time mother would pull. Please try and refrain from reaching through your computer screen and throttling me.

As I may have mentioned, Olive is going through a growth spurt. Yesterday this manifested itself in her falling asleep – like, DEEP asleep – at around 9pm. I was sort of freaked out because she had already napped a lot all day, and typically she doesn’t go to bed until midnight.

So, I waited up because I figured she’d wake again and need to nurse before going down for the night, I mean, she had to wake up, right?

Adam and I watched a movie, (This one. Zeut alors both our minds were blown)

Through the whole thing I kept popping up every fifteen minutes or so to check that Olive was still breathing. (Don’t worry, your husband won’t get annoyed at all when you do this. He’ll be totally understanding that you are a first time mom, prone to worry and overthinking and there’s no way he’ll sigh deeply each and every time you get up. Also, you definitely won’t hear him muttering “Seriously. You’re crazy” under his breath. Multiple times.)

By the time the movie was over at around midnight, she still hadn’t woken up. Even when I “accidentally” bumped into her crib that one time. So I waited up a bit longer because being woken up right after you’ve just fallen into a deep sleep is the worst, THE WORST.

One o’clock rolls around. Nothing.

One thirty.

Two o’clock.

Nothing, not a peep!

There I am, lying beside my snoring husband and my three month old baby, both of whom are out cold, and I can’t sleep. I compulsively refresh twitter and I wait for her to wake up, and I feel like I am going to cry.

Oh god, I missed her! How lame is that? Legions of sleep-deprived moms are yelling at their screens right now, “Sleep! SLEEP, you fool!” but I just couldn’t, I was worried that something was wrong because she was sleeping so much, and I was still half convinced that the moment I fell asleep she’d wake, but mostly guys, I just missed my baby.

(Yes, the one sleeping in her crib two feet away. That one.)

I caught up on my celebrity gossip, waded through Golden Globes coverage, did some writing. I had to pump twice, because my boobs missed Olive too. Eventually I fell asleep.

Internets, Olive slept until EIGHT THIRTY this morning. Eleven and a half hours. It’s the longest she’s ever slept and yet I woke up exhausted, looking wrecked from my night of overzealous worrying. Needless to say I got no sympathy from the moms in our baby yoga class, (and I know I don’t deserve any, either).

As I write this, Olive is sleeping again. Tonight she fell asleep at 8:00pm. And I know I’m courting disaster here but, um, is this just going to keep happening? Is she going to keep falling asleep earlier and earlier, waking later and later, until eventually my interaction with her is reduced to a half hour window around lunchtime where she power chugs 24 ounces of milk, giggles, farts and then passes out?

Also: How is this even possible? During the day she nurses every two hours, how can her little belly go almost twelve hours with nothing in it? And beyond the physiological ramifications – what of the emotional ones? Internets, doesn’t she NEED me?

She’s already a teenager, heading out the door and being like “Yeah, whatever mom I’ll see you in twelve hours.” Doesn’t look back. Not even a hug goodbye!

Please understand that I am fully aware how ridiculous this sounds. I feel ridiculous, too. I know that parenthood is supposed to be a full-time, hand-to-hand, bloody battle with sleep. Sleep is supposed to be your worst enemy and your best friend, the goal of all of your endeavors, the gold at the end of the rainbow, the holy grail. A whole industry has sprung up around trying to get babies to do what Olive has somehow mastered on her own (seriously we have no skills, it’s all her).

And yet. Here I am. Hovering over her crib and watching her breathe. Wishing she was in my arms. Secretly hoping she might wake up.

Guys, I miss her. (Feel free to throw things)

Also, thank you so much for your kind words on my announcement yesterday. I’m glad you guys are as excited as I am! A few of you asked if I am going to continue blogging -um,in a word: YES. I need the constant validation and the connection and oh god, the procrastination opportunities are endless. You aren’t getting off the hook that easily.