Seriously, this girl is FIERCE.
If any of you were giving me some serious side-eye while reading this post about how we have the perfect baby who never cries and sleeps all the time and we are the best parents evaaarrrrr, grab a drink and sit down because you are going to love this post.
Olive has awoken.
(Go back and read that again, out loud, in an ominous voice with perhaps a loud thunderclap and burst of lightening at the end. “Olive…has…AWOKEN!”)
She’ll be two weeks old on Friday so I guess the timing is about right for her to emerge from her newborn haze but still it caught us by surprise, because, I mean hello? Did you read that post? WE HAD THE PERFECT BABY!
But not any more god dammit. Now she’s just like all the rest of the babies out there with the crying and the pooping and the not sleeping- for the love of god the not sleeping!
For two nights now (sweet lord has it really only been two nights? My leggings have been backwards all day and I’ve been too tired to change them -how has it only been two nights?!) she’s slept well for the first half of the evening and then just…not slept for the rest of it.
She’sstill quite the happy baby, naps beautifully during the day, and when she does wake up at night she’s not screaming or crying, she doesn’t even seem unhappy or uncomfortable, she’s just awake. Grunting and cooing and squeaking and kicking and AWAAAAKE. Forever and ever and ever amen.
Our sleeping situation has changed as a result- Adam and I are back in one bed, for solidarity mostly. For someone to turn to in the dead of night as the tiny grunting being beside us continues her one-woman monologue, and whisper “Really? REALLY!?”.
Also so that when she does get fussy fussy, I can take her to the other bedroom to nurse her and let Adam get some sleep. And then as she feeds continuously for three hours to the soundtrack of his contented snores, plot ways to bludgeon him with a lamp without waking her.
BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN INDEED!
(I know this has nothing to do with the story – but thank you to everyone who explained it to me – I felt like I needed to interject some current events reference to stay relevant.)
The worst part is that this isn’t even interesting to read about (or write about): Oh my god my two week old baby isn’t sleeping through the night! Who could have predicted this strange turn of events? If only someone had warned us about this in the checkout line at the grocery store! If only someone had told us to sleep while we still could!!
So instead of continuing this entirely predictable rant against babies that don’t sleep, I’ll give you what you really want.
Here it is experienced parents, you smug bastards: YOU WERE RIGHT. Oh god you were right.
We will never. sleep. again.
And at least one of us thinks that’s pretty hilarious.