This, my friends, is a vision board.

I made it last night to quell my anxiety and steady my nerves. I tried to incorporate as many positive images of pregnancy, cesareans and babies that I could, because I need all the help I can get right now to combat the fuckload of what-if’s trampling through my head every day.

What if the anesthetic doesn’t numb me all the way and I feel them cutting into me?

What if they have to put me under and I miss the birth of my first child?

What if the baby doesn’t breathe, can’t breathe?

What if, what if, what if.

Adam doesn’t understand it, this propensity of mine to dwell and worry, tease apart the infinite myriad of ways a situation could go wrong. I have to admit that I don’t quite understand it myself, I know that time spent worrying is time wasted – and yet it persists, this dark rambling stream.

Last night I got overwhelmed, I realized that I needed something outside of my head to focus on, to fixate on. Something positive.

We went to the store and I bought magazines and I sat there for two hours like a kindergartner with scissors and glue, and after I was done I taped it to the wall where I would see it as I went to sleep and as I woke up. I plan on taking it into the OR with me, and I don’t care if it makes me look like a crazy hippie, I need something bright and colourful, something positive amongst the scrubs and surgical steel.

Whatever it takes, right?