Our Birth Plan

I can’t believe I’m posting about this, because every time I hear the phrase “Birth Plan”, I am reminded of this fabulous article by McSweeney’s.

Excerpt:

Dear Hospital Staff:

Thank you and congratulations for being on shift for the birth of our child. The following sets forth our wishes for our stay. If a medical emergency requires you to deviate from this plan, please refer to “Jamie and Jeff’s Emergency Birth Plan.” (Tab J) Please note: Jamie is RH Negative and BPA-free.

Philosophy

While we do not have a traditional “philosophy” of “childbirth,” we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the “(d)well baby/good design” movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, “What Would Gwyneth Do?”

Anyway, the basics of my birth plan are as follows: Have a healthy baby. Period.

However, our midwife suggested that I might want to be a little more specific, so (hopefully) without heading into McSweeney’s territory, here is our birth plan for little Baby G:

• I would like Adam to be present during the cesarean section surgery

• I would like the surgical drape dropped so that I can see my baby being born

• I would prefer for Adam to announce the sex of our baby

• I would like Adam to go with the baby for any checks, tests, or baths given by any medical staff

• If all is well with the baby, I would like skin-to-skin contact as soon as possible after birth

• We would like the baby to recieve antibiotic eye ointment and Vitamin K shots

• Please delay heel-prick testing until we are in recovery

• No formula/supplementation/bottle feeding without our consent please.

• (Adam’s addendum: We would like “Eye of the Tiger” playing as the baby is brought into the world. Please hold the baby aloft like Simba in the Lion King for the duration of the song.)