There is one fatal flaw in my relationship with Adam, something that we’ve never been able to reconcile, despite numerous conversations, compromises, agreements and disagreements. It’s been a thorn in our side; an inconvenience and a tragedy.

Neither of us likes to cook.

It’s terrible, right?

I mean, this is just BASIC. This is the sort of thing you should figure out on a second date, “Do you want kids? Do you pee in the shower? Do you cook?”

It just makes sense that one half of a couple should enjoy the art of food- one half should truly like the process of buying and preparing and serving deliciously tasty treats.

In most other respects we have our bases covered. I am old enough that I will finally admit that I do actually enjoy cleaning, and Adam is the king of sticking his bare hands into sink drains and dishwasher filters and spiriting away the mess of gunk that’s stuck in there without even gagging.

I happily take care of Gus’ walks, and the decor and organization of our home, while Adam deals with our computers, networking and syncing and iClouding and making all of our gadgets talk to each other.

But after all of this happens, after the laundry is done and the drain de-clogged, after Gus has been walked and a movie been downloaded, there we sit with growling tummies, staring blankly into a fridge filled with empty condiment bottles and wilted spinach. 

Truthfully I think each of us has been hoping that the other would take this on. I know I have been expecting Adam to, his entire family is passionate about food – his dad in particular. Meals at their homes are all-out affairs, and I guess somewhere along the line I expected that Adam would somehow naturally gravitate towards this family tradition, put on the apron and get to it.

I suspect that Adam thought the same about me, but mostly just because I’m the lady in the relationship. Which really, all feminist arguments aside, is ridiculous because anyone who has seen us cook knows that Adam holds the upper hand in this situation.

I adhere rigidly to recipes, reading and re-reading the instructions, teeth clenched, abandoning meals entirely if I’m missing a single ingredient. Adam on the other hand goes rogue, never looks at a recipe, just tosses stuff in, mixes it all together, tastes it, adds spices, and half an hour later VOILA, a masterpiece.

THAT, my friends, is cooking.

I’m writing about this now, because we need to get this shit dealt with. Soon I will be staying at home full time to take care of the Demon (at least temporarily).

We live in Canada which means that I am fortunate enough to have a full year of maternity leave. I literally can not WAIT for this year, am salivating at the thought of this year, I would by lying if I said I wasn’t counting down the days left at work (45! 45 work days!) but I’m also a little worried that this will be the deciding factor in our little meal standoff.

If I’m home all day, I can’t very well NOT cook dinner, you know? And this is a problem because not only do I loathe cooking – and in fact every aspect of the meal preparation process: grocery shopping, food preparation, and worst of all, kitchen cleanup – it’s just not how I eat.

I don’t sit down to three square meals a day, I never have. I’m a nibbler, a grazer. I’ll have a bowl of cottage cheese, then an hour later a bunch of blueberries, then maybe some rice crackers and almond butter, then half a bag of crisp peas. Later I’ll make a wrap, or maybe some soup- roasted root veggies if I’m feeling like something warm. It’s simple and utilitarian, definitely nothing gourmet, but it all adds up to a fairly balanced diet.

Somehow I don’t see Adam being satisfied with a dinner that consists of a mish-mosh of the various snacks I’ve had all day ,

“Hi honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Oh just a little something I threw together –  a couple of slices of feta cheese, half a bag of grapes, a bowl of kale chips and a smoothie! Bon appetit!”

Am I screwed? I’m screwed aren’t I? How do I fix this? Have you taught yourself to like cooking? Is there a secret? Are you all sneakily ordering in and trashing the take out containers? TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

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