Disclaimer: This is not a deep post. This is the very opposite of a deep post. Eye-rolling and comparisons to starving peoples of disadvantaged countries who would give their left feet to have these sorts of “problems” is discouraged.
Confession: I have bad hair.
Like, not BAD I guess, because there’s nothing really wrong with it. It’s not unruly or frizzy or hard to control it’s just…bleh.Which, really, is almost as bad. Worse perhaps.
It’s not my shampoo (or lack thereof) and it’s not my haircut and it’s not my styling (ok it’s probably my styling), I think I’ve just been gifted with a small head and thin hair and a wonky cowlick and zero volume and when I look at pictures of myself I always, ALWAYS think that I would look approximately a million times more polished and put together if I had any clue at all how to properly do my hair.
At this point I just wash it and sometimes blow dry it if I’m feeling particularly adventurous. The whole time I’m blow drying I am confusedly wielding a round brush with no idea where I should be brushing, or why the brush needs to be round in the first place, but dammit I have READ those articles in lady magazines and they always talk about round brushes so a few years ago I purchased one.
It has brought great confusion into my life.
My sisters have escaped this fate. I have no idea how. They won’t tell me (those bitches!) Lizzie has this gorgeous head of full thick waves, Claire has rocked both dreadlocks and a sweet pixie cut and looked incredible in both, Hilary always has awesome hair even though she never washes it (and when I say this I don’t mean that she un-poo’s like me. She just…doesn’t wash it. Ever. Her head smells like a head) and Mawney’s hair is full and naturally curly and I HATE THEM ALL.
Mine just sits there, and I know it’s superficial to be devoting this much time and these many words to hair but I am getting a wee bit concerned because if I can’t even get my hair to do anything fun when I have a zillion hours a day to fuck around with it, am I going to be stuck with a greasy topknot forever in four months time?
I’ve tried products, I don’t know which ones – come look under my bathroom sink and you’ll find 90% full bottles of each miracle potion I’ve wasted my money on – and my head is still a lifeless mop and I’m still just ridiculously inept and I just wish someone would HELP ME please!
Internets, I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. And I’m not doing anything drastic because I feel like anything that decreases my length at this point puts me squarely into “Mom haircut” territory and, much like cutting your hair short after your wedding, it’s a cliche I’d like to avoid. I’m thinking of asking her to just trim ‘er up and maybe thin my ends so they taper rather than just sitting bluntly atop my shoulders.
Perhaps I can also throw myself prostrate myself at the base of my hairdresser’s chair and beg for assistance.
“Help me!” I’ll cry, “I am twenty-eight years old and I have no idea how to do my own hair! Teach me your ways! Show me how to back-comb or french braid or even how to make one of those awesome low-slung ponytails that everyone manages to pull off whilst looking chic, whereas I just look like a granny librarian seriously I HAVE BAD HAIR please help me!”
Do you have good hair? You can tell me I won’t hate you (I will probably hate you) But seriously, do you have suggestions? A miracle cure? Is there a pill I can take? Or some sort of online course?
Dear lord this is my life and these are #MaddieProblems. Please pray.