The Standoff

Friends, we have run out of toilet paper.

All day we reminded each other to “remember to get toilet paper!” and “p.s. don’t forget the toilet paper” and at one point we were both standing in the grocery store TOGETHER, and we looked at each other and simultaneously exclaimed “TOILET PAPER!” but were promptly distracted by Adam picking up some 7-layer dip and angrily carping (As he does every time he buys this exact dip) that “Chives and olives are NOT their own layers! They’re garnishes! And no one eats the refried beans anyway so why am I paying for 7 layers when I’m only eating 4?”

(You know what Adam? PREACH! Fuck KONY2012, this 7-layer dip tom foolery is a cause I think we can all get behind. I’ll make some bracelets and have them for sale by Monday)

Anyway. Predictably, no one remembered toilet paper. And no one noticed until 11:30 pm when I finally went pee and had to suffer through the injustice that is “drip drying” before Adam scrounged up an unused napkin from his filthydisgusting fast food lunch.

Guys, we’re 28 and 31 years old respectively and we are using McDonalds napkins as toilet paper.

What’s worse is that neither of us wants to go and finally- FINALLY- actually get the damned toilet paper.

I’m protesting on the grounds that I’m already in my pajamas, in bed. (Adam: “Yeah but you’re always in your pajamas in bed. It doesn’t count”)

I don’t think Adam has any specific grounds for protest, other than the fact that he just sneakily served me a giant glass of juice which I foolishly drank before realizing what he was up to.

Obviously he’s counting on me cracking first.

This is so ridiculous and embarrassing that I figured the only safe place to bury it was on my internet blog read by all of our closest family and friends in addition to hundreds of strangers.

In conclusion: help. We don’t know how to be adults and I fear it’s too late to learn.

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