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Oh sweet lawd

You definitely should not be reading this post if you are eating. Or drinking. Or if you have recently eaten or drunk (dranken?). Or if you are squeamish in any way.

Just, nobody read this post, okay?

FAIR WARNING.

At the big Open House/Holiday Feast at my work last week, right before we opened our doors one of the teenagers came running up to me and said there was “something wrong with the toilets”.These are terrible, bad, no-good words that one never hopes to hear in her whole entire life. Ever.

Thank the lord that my coworker was standing slightly in front of me at this particular moment, because I took this opportunity to go check on something in the kitchen that desperately needed checking on right then OR ELSE, while she grimaced and grabbed the plunger.

(This action is an accurate representation of who I am both as an employee and as a human being. I will always make you plunge the toilets while I pretend not to have heard anything.)

The thing is, I work with five women. And so, of course, the plunger we have at my work is purple with white polka dots, purchased (obviously) because it was so cute. But it doesn’t work, the end is flat and it doesn’t plunge, which, understandably is an important function of a PLUNGER.

(See also: THE ONLY FUNCTION)

Tangent: This is the problem with making gendered tools, while that pink screwdriver set is adorable it’s probably made of plastic and will break the first time you use it. Is this an appropriate feminist message? That men get tools that work, while women (if they get tools at all) get tools that just look pretty?

PRO TIP: Ignore the”cute” tools and get some stuff marketed towards men, with bold capital letters, preferably incorporating the words “TUFF” or “HEAVY DUTY”.

So. The plunger didn’t work and, right as our Open House was, well, opening, my coworker was rushing out to purchase a plunger so we could offer the appropriate facilities to our many guests.

A short while later, mission accomplished. New plunger in hand, we plunged the toilet (and again, by we I mean she) and life went on.

Until Thursday night when I flushed the staff toilet and then both toilets spontaneously overflowed in a horrifying cesspool of sewage which then began backing up out of the shower drain too.

I called a plumber and we had to close down, because we can’t be open without toilets. The plumber came and said our septic tank was full and needed to be emptied.

Am I on some sort of National Lampoon secret reality show?

OUR SHITTER IS LITERALLY FULL.

I’ve been on the phone with plumbers and septic tank guys and employees all weekend. Last I heard the septic tank guy was trying to get me to “locate and un-lid” the tank for them to empty it.

No.

NO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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