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Shit

                      

I’m back on the chapstick (sort of). I just can’t! I look like the dirty kid (every class had one) with the red ring around his mouth from licking his lips too much, and rats nest hair and mascara rings under his eyes, who wears the same leggings three days in a row because he’s too tired to look for other pants and… wait! We were only talking about the chapstick! Not about how sleep deprived and generally gross I look lately! Oh dear isn’t that hilarious? My mistake, lovelies.

I thought I could lick this (HAHAHAHAHA) but those fine folks over at Lip Balm Anonymous had it right, cold turkey is just too hard- why didn’t I listen?

Day three found me at work, on my hands and knees rummaging through our kitchen cabinets trying to find some sort of oil that would suffice – I tried olive oil and then someone sent me a suggestion to try honey (whoever you are, thank you!) and that got me through the rest of the evening, but it was fast becoming apparent that cold turkey simply wasn’t going to work.

So, I started applying almond oil when I got up and then again at the end of the day, thinking that might be enough to stave off the cracking and chapping. NO.

Do y’all know where I live? Canada. Igloos, sled dogs, fur-hooded people who wear lots of plaid and drink strong beer and spend their days wondering, “What’s it all aboooot, eh?”.

Doing a chapstick cleanse in the beginning of the coldest months of the year is unbelievably foolish. I concede defeat. I can’t do it. Yesterday I would have sold Gus for a full tube of Burt’s Bees. I would have sold Adam for a half-used tin of carmex. I WOULD HAVE SOLD MYSELF FOR ONE SWIPE OF A DR. PEPPER LIPSMACKER, and y’all KNOW that shit is just flavoured Vaseline.

I was also thinking  – do we know that this is even possible? Is anyone actually able to live without some sort of balm for their lips without things deteriorating to this state? HOW CAN IT BE DONE?! Do we have proof? Tell me your stories and SHOW ME YOUR LIPS you freak of nature, somehow able to produce emollient oils ON YOUR OWN without the aid of multinational cosmetics conglomerates.

I don’t believe.

Anyway. I’m still going to try and stay off the tube, and stick with natural oils like almond and coconut instead- from my extensive research into the subject it seems that common lip balm ingredients like menthol and camphor irritate the lips, necessitating more applications – thus giving birth to the vicious cycle from which I find myself desperately trying to escape.

Talking about being Canadian, it reminded me of this skit on SNL a few weeks ago. I never understood why Canadians are portayed with this ridiculous accent until I recently met someone from Manitoba (Central Canada) and ooooohhhh my god! They were a Canadian stereotype come to life! They actually said ABOOT!

So,  my man, Zacfh Galifianakis playing a Canadian on SNL…oooooohhhhhhh noooooooooo. (No idea why Fred Armisen sounds Scottish).

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