I just snapped and rubbed olive oil on my lips. Olive oil. Why olive oil? Because when I began this descent into madness I thoughtfully put all of my eleventy-two tubes of Chapstick in a box and sequestered that box in the sex attic. I was setting myself up for success! But really I was just setting myself up to sneak off to the kitchen and rub cooking oils on my person. Butter? Do you think butter would work better?

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