I’ve Got A Man Cold

Guys, I’m getting sick.

Maybe it was the two bags of Halloween candy that Adam and I devoured last night since we didn’t get even ONE trick or treater, maybe it’s been how poorly I’ve been sleeping, perhaps it’s karmic retribution for sins from a past life, but whatever the cause, when I woke up this morning there it was. Stuffy nose, sinus pain, phlegm-y throat, achey joints.

So this is what I’ve been doing, I’m in full-on cold-busting mode:

1. Neti pot…NETI POT! If you’ve never heard of this, a Neti pot is like a little teapot that you fill with salt water and then pour into one nostril and it comes out the other. It doesn’t hurt, it feels quite nice actually and I do this several times a week normally but if you ever get any type of sinus pain OR in case of a cold this needs to be ramped up to twice a day at LEAST. So much better than blowing your nose (which just causes more pressure) and way less kleenex too.

2. Magic Tea. Whenever I feel a cold coming on I boil a pot of water, add grated ginger, honey, cayenne pepper and lemon wedges. I drink this constantly throughout the day, I think the ginger and cayenne help with sinus stuff and the honey and lemon soothes your throat.

I also eliminate all dairy and eat very sparingly. I don’t know if there’s any science behind this but I figure that the less energy your body has to put towards digesting food, the more that can be focused on fighting bad guys, yes?

I watched The Magic School bus guys, I know how this shit works.

3. REST! Call in sick. I’m not taking my own advice on this today because I scheduled some outreach work with a kid that I really don’t want to miss, but if this was a normal workday I would be on that phone saying “No deal!”.

Do this at the beginning of your illness, rather than waiting until you’re horking and hacking all over the entire office please. You’ll get better faster.

4. Start collecting points. With your spouse I mean. Mine has a low tolerance for whining (bullshit, I know) so when I feel a cold coming on and I know that I am going to want pampering I have to plan my attack strategically. While I’m still feeling somewhat copacetic I do a few easy but noticeably nice things, like Adam’s laundry, or taking out the garbage which is normally his job. And for the first day or so of my convalescence I say nothing – NOTHING! No whining, no moaning about how sick I feel, no requests for sympathy back rubs. We all know day three is the worst and you’re going to need the sympathy then, not now when you feel okay but you just don’t want to go to the kitchen yourself.

“What?!” you say, “In a caring, loving relationship shouldn’t your partner just take care of you because they love you and want you to feel better?” Yes. But, dear (presumably) single person, this doesn’t always happen. Marriage is a cruel game of tit for tat and if you’re not keeping score HOW WILL YOU KNOW IF YOU’RE WINNING?

Exactly.

Also, spouses are like dogs, if they sense weakness they could POUNCE! (Do dogs pounce? Maybe it’s cats I’m thinking about…but wait, do cats sense weakness? Whatever, guys I’m SICK, remember?  I’m allowed to mix metaphors).

FOR EXAMPLE: Adam threw his back out a few years ago. As he was shuffling to the kitchen one night to get a drink of water I hid in our closet and when he walked by I jumped out and screamed “BOO!” and he fell to the ground like a rigid plank, screaming and writhing in pain and, dear readers, I COULD NOT stop laughing.

It was the best thing that has ever happened to me! I am laughing right now just remembering it. Oh man was that awesome!

Basically what I’m saying is that if you don’t rack up some nice-points before exposing yourself in your most vulnerable state, you could be leaving yourself open to fuckery like that. But you’ll also be creating some amazing memories that your spouse will be laughing about for literally years to come.

(Seriously, the look on his face and the way his voice got so shrill… I do not have words. I had to wait fifteen minutes before helping him up because I couldn’t stop laughing and I also kind of thought if I got within arm’s reach he might strangle me)

Anyway ME. I’M sick – direct your pity THIS WAY please!