Fast Cars Stormy Night by BooHu
Guys, I am ashamed to admit that the entire trip went off without a hitch. ARGHHH! I KNOW. I’m irritated too.
We got there on time, we got back (more or less) on time, and all despite (and maybe even BECAUSE OF) me not obsessing or planning anything.
Internets, it hurts to admit this. Thank god Adam can’t read, because otherwise I would never hear the end of how I am about to publicly admit that he was right.
On the way there we drove right onto the ferry with like a five minute wait, on the way back we only had to wait for about an hour. Aaaand if we’re being honest here this was probably due more to me being pulled over by a police officer than any lack of planning on Adam’s part.
(UGH not only am I admitting that he was right but I am about to admit that I did something wrong, WHAT IS HAPPENING? I am living in bizarro world right now. Up is down! Black is white! Adam is me and I AM ADAM. Look at my ridiculous facial hair! I’m wearing my underwear inside out! Where’s the beer?)
The journey from Adam’s parents town to our town goes like this: short drive->ferry->long drive->ferry->medium drive->home. The long drive is through an extraordinarily windy stretch of road where to your left lies a rock face and to your right lies the ocean. So, little margin for error.
Tonight was a dark and stormy one and Adam had had a few beers prior to our departure so I was at the wheel. I was taking it niiiice and slow, because it was raining like a hot damn, it was dark out and it was a two lane highway with no divider and I was unfamiliar with the road.
Do you need some more excuses? Our windshield is cracked and we have shitty tires. The air vent was blowing air that was slightly too hot. Gus was breathing too much and his breath smelled like fish. My sweater was poking me at an awkward spot in my lower back. I wasn’t wearing any socks.
I GOT PULLED OVER BECAUSE I WAS GOING TOO SLOWLY OKAY?
Christ. Between this and the crocheting I…I don’t know what to say.
The teenagers I work with can NEVER find out about this.
It happened during a straight stretch of road, and to be honest I was sort of zoned out, thinking about god knows what, something deep and meaningful no doubt, when I saw those terrifying blue and red lights in my rear view.
Guys, I have never been pulled over for anything ever in my entire life. You get an authority figure to give me a rule and I’ll follow it, no questions asked. I won’t drive after even one sip of alcohol, I will sit at a red light until it turns green even if there’s no one around for miles and I wouldn’t dream of speeding.
I’ve seen the PSA’s, SPEED KILLS!
So when I saw the lights behind me I was confused but of course I immediately pulled over. Adam looked up from whatever children’s cartoon he was watching and asked what was happening, and I gestured to the cop behind us and commenced hyperventilating.
“Were you speeding?” he asked, rifling through the glove box for our registration papers, “I don’t know!” I said, “I don’t think so!” but then I started panicking, had I been speeding? I hadn’t seen a speed limit sign in a while, oh my god was I about to get a speeding ticket? We can’t afford a speeding ticket! Oh my GOD this is so unfair I never speed and Adam always speeds why am I getting a ticket and he isn’t?
The officer approached the car and I rolled down my window. And as he spoke it was like I could physically see my last morsel of dignity being dissolved by the rain. In a very kind voice he told me that he had pulled me over because I was driving extremely cautiously, and sometimes that can be a sign of impairment.
Guys, I was driving like such a grandma that he thought I was DRUNK.
What. The. Shit.
It was a low point for me. After establishing that I was not in fact inebriated (oh how I wish! Maybe then I wouldn’t be able to remember this in the morning!), the cop laughed at me and Adam laughed at me and oh wow it was all so HILARIOUS! Oh my gosh Madeleine you are so ridiculous drive a little faster next time ha ha ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHA RAGE/MURDER.
This, of course, ruined everything. Because despite being totally unbelievable and, really, WHO DOES THIS HAPPEN TO?! I had now lost all rights to bitch and complain if we missed the first ferry, which we did.
Now those same bitching and complaining rights went to Adam, who (using his magical powers of deduction) estimated that about 25 cars had passed us while I was having my dignity torn to shreds on the side of the highway and LO, as we sat and watched the last stream of cars file onto the ferry, we just so happened to miss the cutoff point by 23 cars.
Guys I had to hear about those 23 cars for an hour and I couldn’t say a thing! How do you defend yourself when you just got pulled over for going drunken-slow?
I’m ashamed of myself.
BUT. As I sit here and type this something doesn’t seem right.
The more I think about it the more I think that this must have been done on purpose. I mean I know I joke about Adam being dumb like a bag of hammers, but dude is seriously smart and more than a little conniving too – especially when it comes to making me look like an ass.
Think about it, Adam always drives. He always drives precisely BECAUSE the way I drive makes him feel crazy in his brain. (I wait for a full three seconds at stop signs!)
By purposefully having a few beers before we left, he forced ME to drive – ME who always drives the speed limit (even obeying the suggested speed limit signs around sharp corners and I mean NO ONE obeys those!) and in doing so he foisted all of the responsibility for missing the ferry onto me, since I was the driver, while still being able to claim credit if we didn’t.
If we missed the ferry?: Madeleine’s slow driving.
If we made the ferry?: Adam’s superior planning (or lack thereof)
HE COULDN’T LOSE!
Oh, Adam. I never even suspected. Bravo good sir.
ou win this round, you soulless bastard. Love you!
[…] I was not in jail though, which is too bad because it would have probably been a better story, likely involving Grand Theft: Cheese, or police arresting me for impaired driving when really I just drive like a grandma. […]