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A List

Things to do on a long flight when your ass has fallen asleep and your skin feels like crepe paper from the recirculated air:

1. Gravol. GRAVOL! Guys, don’t mess around, just take a few of these, knock yourself out and wake up in a groggy, disoriented stupor as the wheels hit the tarmac. ( I could end the list here, but if you’re anything like me, you forgot the gravol. And the advil. And the face cream. In which case: Whats wrong with you?! Whats wrong with US?! Take a few moments to berate yourself for this inexcusable oversight and then read on for alternate suggestions.)

2. Send calming thoughts to the harried mother trying to calm her hysterical, overtired one year old and whiny, inconsolable three year old. Don’t you dare feel smug or annoyed because one day that will be YOU and you will really appreciate those calming thoughts.

Or hey, on second thought, ditch the zen ESP and perhaps send a small bottle of whiskey instead?

3. Admire the way that one bitchy stewardess consistently manages to clip your elbow with the drink cart every time she passes your seat. Every. Single. Time.

It’s incredible really.

Plot your revenge.

4. Imagine what’s going down behind that mysterious (and ELITIST, by the way) curtain separating the unwashed masses from the bluebloods in first class.

I have it on good authority that they’re all baptizing each other in pools of champagne and blood diamonds as part of the initiation into some cool new religion we haven’t even heard of yet.

That or getting deliciously drunk on free wine and stretching their legs out all the time JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN. DAMMIT.

5. Try and ignore the fact that the dude you stood behind in the security lineup and sat next to in the airport, has also ended up on your flight . AND he has the same bathroom schedule as you. You’ve passed each other three times now to and from the loo and frankly, it’s getting a little embarrassing.

Shake your head and whisper “Get it together, MADELEINE!”

6. Watch the sixty year old man a few rows ahead watch a movie which appears, for all intents and purposes, to be a behind the scenes documentary about Justin Bieber’s tour.

Wonder “Why?” several times an hour for the remainder of the flight.

Increase frequency of wondering when he REPLAYS it for a second viewing.

7. Just…give up. Give up I say, lest you go batshit insane.

Give into smelling other people’s farty expulsions, absorb the inane conversations and stunningly ignorant monologues of those around you, embrace the bathrooms where it becomes painfully obvious that all of the men on the flight continue to stand to pee despite turbulence, a small target and little to no structural support.

Whistle as you mop up the urine of a stranger! Who cares?! Soon enough you’ll be washing your hands with soap designed specifically to leach any and all moisture from your hands, but that doesn’t matter either because by now they’re probably clenched into fists! Great!

8. Look forward to the moment when the plane stops on the runway and everyone immediately stands up, carry-on bags clutched feverishly in their hands, staring at the front of the plane with demonic intensity.

Continue to enjoy yourself (maybe whistle a jaunty tune) as they stand there…and stand there… and stand there, hunched up under the bulkheads like a bunch of idiots, god bless their hearts.

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