Wake Up Call


I’m the only person I know who actually has to wake her dog up in the morning. Today I rolled out of bed (and, this morning was not a 7am wake up like yesterday, by the way) stumbled into the kitchen and put some water on for tea, then went downstairs where Gus was snoring, sprawled out across his too-small bed (seriously, do we need to get him a twin mattress? It might need to happen. Oh I could get him cute striped sheets and a comforter and tuck him in at night! Too much? What?). I walked to the back door and slid it open, called him to play the second part of that fun game we have where I feed him and then he makes daily deposits of giant steaming mounds of crap onto our freshly mowed lawn.  

He ignored me the first two times I said his name and dude, I’m seven feet away from you. You start salivating when you hear the UPS guy who gives you treats coming from three blocks away so don’t give me any of THAT. The third time I say “GUS” in a strict-mom voice, (which, really Madeleine what are you going to do if he doesn’t listen? Count to three? I need to get out more) then he half-lifts his head just enough to give me the side-eye, then stretches, yawns and slowly gets up. He stumbles outside, craps and then I kid you not people, goes back to bed. 

Dogs really are like their owners! Except I poop inside!

Lately I’ve been wishing that I could find a way to get up early, every single morning – this is a very, very recurrent desire of mine. I get so much shit done when I wake up at 7 am, if I got up at 7am every day I would never forget anyone’s birthday, I’d always look immaculately put together and my house would be spotless. My teeth would be whiter, my husband more romantic and my car cleaner. This shit needs to happen. But HOW?

Guys, I feel like I’ve tried everything. #1: Alarm clocks, obviously. But here’s the thing. I’m a heavy sleeper. Married to a light sleeper. Which means that all of my alarm clock plans, like plugging it in across the room or getting one of those clocks that runs away from you, or setting the volume to decibel shattering volumes just means that Adam wakes up at 7 every day. And I sleep through the whole thing while having awesome dreams about dance parties in loud nightclubs, or running away from a bank robbery while the security alarm sounds.

So not only do I not get up any earlier, but when I do wake up I find all of my clothes in the freezer or  “IF YOU WANT TO WAKE UP EARLY WHY DO YOU SET YOUR ALARM FOR 7 AND THEN SNOOZE UNTIL 11?!! AHRNSNFHGYGYEHJ?!!” written in blood and sleep-deprived tears on the bathroom mirror.

#2: I bought these Greens pills that promised increased energy. Because they were Greens I assumed that it was some crazy, natural, vegetable energy but when my heart started racing after I took one I looked at the ingredients and Internets, it was caffeine. Um, if I wanted to have more energy from caffeine I could have just spent my $35 on 37 iced coffees from McDonalds. Thanks for nothing, dicks.

I have a feeling that the solution is something so crazy it just might work. Like: just to decide to wake up. And then do it. But I can’t get my mind around that without wanting to try some sort of fancy gimmick that involves me buying something. Like this light clock.

So right now I’m trying to do what I do with my teens when they are stuck with a problem they are being pigheaded about. I put on my Youth Worker voice and when they say “I can’t pass math, I’m horrible at math.” I say “Is that true?” and when they stubbornly reply that it is, I say “Was there ever a time, even once, when that wasn’t true?” and then I hound them, because since they are teenagers they will say “No” eleventy-seven times before they actually admit that yeah, actually they were pretty good at math last year and they aced the geometry unit earlier this year. And then I ask what conditions created that result.

The bonus of this approach is that at the end of what can sometimes be an excruciating painful conversationwe get to the real issue which is that last year they weren’t partying as much and they really actually liked the geometry unit, so it was easier to spend the time required to understand it. And then instead of being stuck with a kid who just throws up his arms and says he’s horrible at math, we have a kid who gets that he’s doing poorly at math because he’s prioritizing other things and not putting in the necessary time. It’s something he has the power to change, he has agency in his life.

SO. The question is can I Youth Worker myself? Hey kids, gather round, lets have a cheesy imaginary dialogue!

Me: I can’t wake up early in the morning

Youth Worker me: Is that true?

Me: Well, most of the time, yeah. (see! I’m more self-aware and cooperative than a teenager!)

Youth Worker me: Most of the time, ok so that means that sometimes you can wake up early. What happens on those days?

Me: I can wake up early when I have an early appointment that I can’t miss.

Youth Worker me: Like what?

Me: Like getting touch-ups on my tattoo of Adam’s face on my face, or when Gus needs to get his hair and nails did (what?)

Youth Worker me: When else have you been a rockstar at getting up early?

Me: There was a two-week period when I was in strict Ayurveda mode and since getting up between 6-7:30 is optimal for Vata-types I was doing that.

BOOM. (and oh my god how are you still reading this? I’m transcribing my internal monologues! What do you DO all day that this is an acceptable distraction? And why am I heckling you? Er..carry on)

Based on the above exercise in self-absorption and vanity, all I have to do to successfully wake up early is get back into Ayurveda, or schedule daily tattoos and/or grooming appointments for Gus.

Even with the amount of coconut oil I use for the daily full body massage I think Ayurveda would be cheaper.

Phew. I’m glad we sorted this one out.

p.s. What the hell is Ayurveda? Click here. And if you’re curious about what dosha type you are and thus, when you should be waking up and what kind of oil you should be using for YOUR full body rubdowns  click here.

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